Have you tried being vegan

Veganism: Don't be so obtrusively vegan

I am an exceptional vegan. I eat vegan - with exceptions. For example, with mom's madhouse cookies, I get weak. After around ten years you are no longer like that. At least I am not anymore. Just no dogmas. And above all: just no proselytizing. Veganism is great and I'm for it, but it's nothing new. Was there already in the Stone Age, when it was simply said "nothing caught".

All the more annoying when the hipsters here in Berlin come crawling out of their spelled fur pillows and believe that they have to spread the good news as penetratively as possible. In the meantime, vegan food stalls are not only popping up in Schicki-Micki-Prenzlberg, but also in Wedding and in my home district in Schöneberg, between shisha bars, casinos and one-euro shops.

Then you can buy "Vöner" and "Vurst". Imitation meat made from sawdust? Patties made from seaweed dough? Who knows, sounds disgusting anyway. But there are a lot of people hanging out there. They wear colorful sneakers, say "mega" and "awesome"into paper-thin cell phones and are constantly talking about vegan food: how to prepare it, where to buy it and where to eat it. Everything they" discovered ". I hear" golden milk "," quinoa ", and of course" carrot. " -Ginger ". They upset me. I switched from camembert to cashew cheese just three days ago, and now there is no other topic. So young and already so caustic.



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If there is a woman in her twenties with uncombed hair - pardon me, undone! - in front of me in the bio island and asks whether you can use "the hummus" like cheese spread. My impulse? Come on, owl, I'll show you where "the hummus" grows!

What is this substitute madness anyway? I don't need any sausages or slices, whether made from veal, cheese or carrots. Put your soy chaff Bolognese away, you freak, in your mustard-yellow art student trousers or your jute bag, and don't tell me about yeast melt! You can smear it in your ugly Beatles hairstyle.

I have rice, baby. Yeah okay with vegetables. Which one What is cheap today.

The vegan ready-made curry is skeptically turned back and forth in front of the organic freezer. Because one thing dampens the newfound enthusiasm: the oh-so-complicated vegan cooking! Yes, if you were too stupid to fry an egg before, then the tomato will probably burn too!

No thanks, I cook myself

I don't feel sorry for these people. Let them throw all their money into the throats of resourceful cookbook writers who replace "egg" with "egg substitute" in cookbook classics. Anyone who lets themselves be sold for so stupid can stick to bread with bread.

At the checkout I can take a booklet with "winter root vegetable recipes" with me. "No thanks," I want to yell at the Ökoburschi, "I'll cook myself!" I don't want to read handouts that tell me how to chop peppers and steam onions. Oh, with vegetable oil instead of butter? How amazing! And can I add spices to taste? According to your taste? That's great, and so surprisingly easy! Who knows, maybe one day I'll be able to make pasta too? I disdainfully leave the bio island.

I carry my soy milk home and fantasize about myself, I can really imagine how those who like this kind of thing will decide at home after reading some wellness or fitness or something else glossy paper: "Oh, vegaaan, I'll try that out now! " And then it's a topic for weeks in the office, during sports and at parents' evenings. There would be "sooo delicious recipes", you would never have thought so.

Tacheles now, friends: Anyone who opts for a vegan diet should do it from their self-image and not because of a hysterical profile neurosis. Yes, I am in favor of all of us stop torturing and eating animals as if our lives depended on it. And thereby destroy our planet. Yeah right, I want to save the world, for real. But this is a fashion, it's just the latest in lifestyle. I'm not buying the show from people. For me it is too superficial, too "trendy". That makes me angry.

Moment. A flash of inspiration runs through me. What's going on here? What was i just thinking? Oh yes: "I want to save the world." Oops. How humble! I am sure that no one has had the thought before me. But admittedly, saving the world could be a task for several.

I have to stop for a moment to think. Two youngsters smelling of Ax pass by on the way from the gym: "We have to build up mass," one says to the other. How exactly did I get the idea again that you can achieve your goals by attacking those who want the same thing? If you want?

Hey, hummus hannah! Vöner-Vincent! Do you want the same? Do you just want to have a say at the next flat share party, or do you want to save the world too?

Well - your chance. Let's see how long you can pull it off!

But don't make it into such a huge thing on the outside that it's annoying. And don't sell me any recipes!