How is this insincere question

How do you deal with disappointment due to insincerity? - Question from the community, answers from the editorial team

In the new year we want to go into more detail about you - and that's why we look for your questions and topics and answer them. Today I dedicate myself to Jenny Victoria's question:

“How do you deal with disappointment? Especially when you discover that your child was / is dishonest / insincere. I'm interested in my teenage daughter (14). I can handle it well with my smaller / younger children. "

My answer:

I can understand why it is particularly disappointing to find that our teenagers lied to us. It's easier with younger people - maybe we can do it on them "Magic phase" lead back. In our teenagers, however, we see a loved one on the threshold of adulthood. His insincerity hurts in several ways: We wonder whether we have done something wrong in the long term - and whether that will last. The matter of worries about the future begins. We question our trust in the child. We question his future and the trust of other people in him. We are disappointed. The delusion was that we were sure our child wasn't lying. We raised it ourselves!

And when we express this disappointment, it is not uncommon for teenagers to cut communication: "Ouch, mom, leave me alone with your excessive morals!" Oomph. Slamming doors. Exit. Behind the closed door, loud music that we do not know and that we suspect. If necessary, hard F-words get through to us in a thumping rhythm. And that makes us unhappy. Even more disappointed.

What to do? What can I pass on?

I don't remember a specific situation with my daughter because of insincerity, so I will pass on to you what my pattern is, what also works for adults - i.e. partners, friends, co-workers - for me:

1. I do not allow the communication to be broken off

Not an easy thing and sometimes not to be resolved at the same time, but my motto is: Not communicating is not an option. I've already turned off the fuses (then there was no more juice for the music) and slipped notes under the door with "Let's talk, please!"

2. I try to find out and understand the reason for the insincerity

It helps me to stay calm and non-violent and to refrain from reproaches and reproaches. I use them consciously "I-messages", the mindfulsun described. And most of all, I try to find out, by asking sincere but not inquisitorial questions, why the other person chose the insincerity. Most of the time, I find that the other person is adamant that I can't take the truth. Discussing this and admitting to myself is not always easy for me. But it works. And from here we can start negotiations:

3. Find compromises - but hold honesty as a value

I have already told you about the "Convince me" method in this blog. I show myself willing to negotiate for anything. Most of the time, this part of the conversation is more harmonious - and I try to make it friendly: At the table, with a drink. In a facing posture. And yes, here too I express love and appreciation.

In doing so, I try to hold honesty as a value for both of us. By the way, on this subject we should also ask ourselves: How often do children notice that we might use a “white lie” or a “white lie” about others? How often have we cheated on her ourselves - even beyond Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny?

4. Leave room for development, don't put a “liar” stamp on it

Call me an incorrigible optimist, but even after a disappointment, I believe that trust is a better currency than mistrust. And that's why I consciously decide to trust. With announcement. And hope that this brings out the best in the other.

But a serious word here: Lies covering up excessive alcohol and drug use or illegal activity can be an indicator of an underlying very serious problem. Anyone who believes their teen is lying for these reasons - or if the teen repeatedly invents falsehoods or embellishes facts with no apparent guilt or remorse - then it is time to consider professional help in the form of a recognized psychiatrist or therapist.

Do you have other methods of dealing with such disappointments because of insincerity in your children?

Best regards,

Béa

P.S: Do you have any other questions that we should answer?