Do you get along with your stepfather

Problematic relationship with my mother

Written by ValerieM on 03/21/2012, 7:20 am


I also need advice about my mother once ...

My mother separated from my biological father, whom I never met, before I was born. When I was in kindergarten, she married my stepfather, whom I had a good relationship with, and had my sister.

When I was a teenager, their marriage deteriorated and so did the relationship between my stepfather and me. He suddenly suspected (probably not entirely unfounded) that my mother had wanted him mainly as a provider. At the time I couldn't understand why it was like that, but he kind of disowned me. He kept telling the whole world, including and especially me, that I was just his stepchild and that I was born out of wedlock and that it was a shame. As a result, he has caused great feelings of inferiority in me, some of which I still struggle with today. At that time I tried to win back his love through over-conforming behavior, but I did not succeed. My stepfather then refused to pay more than the bare minimum and started harassing me in many ways.

Back then, my mother kept explaining to me that she did not think his behavior was good, but that I had to understand that she was no longer willing to give up her rather good lifestyle - after she knew everyday life as a poorly paid single parent (because of me ). In doing so, she practically shifted responsibility to me: I should accept his harassment without complaint so that she and my sister would continue to do well, which I did. At some point the situation escalated: My stepfather was also violent, violent and unprovoked. One day when he kicked in my locked door and threatened to kill me, my mother took me to the parents of my boyfriend at the time, who had a guest room and took me in temporarily. That was just before Christmas. On Christmas Eve, my mother celebrated not with me, but with my stepfather. From that moment on, I was pretty much on my own. I no longer had a home (I wasn't even allowed to visit her anymore because it was HIS house) and my mother no longer took on the classic mother role either.

Then, a few years later, she separated from my stepfather. From then on she expected my full support and support, which she received. Today I doubt my sanity myself, but then I did almost everything for her, even though I neglected my studies and myself in the process. I wanted to be loved. In doing so, she pushed me into a kind of provider role, from which I found it difficult to break free. In the meantime, however, I've grown up, I've worked through the emotional wounds she left and I've started to distance myself from her. And so the current problem arose.

I realized that she hadn't been a mother to me in a very long time and started to see her as a friend - a very selfish friend who you can get along with as long as you are careful not to let yourself be exploited. I no longer feel responsible for their well-being and simply have too much to do to always be able to jump for them. This emotional distancing has also reduced my desire to be in contact with her. She used to come to me twice a week, now I block these visits - I don't feel like going more than once a month.

That is not enough for my mother. She wants to get back the priority that I gave her before, but that she hasn't given me in decades, both emotionally and practically.

But I can no longer and do not want to - although she is now threatening to break off contact.

How do you see it?


Re: Problematic relationship with my mother

answer frommf4 on 03/21/2012, 8:22 am

I wrote you a PM ... too personal for the public.

Answer post

Re: Problematic relationship with my mother

answer fromExpo2 on 03/21/2012, 8:44 am

do you talk to her so she knows about your emotional state? I think it's important to tell her about your situation.
I don't understand that, despite this history, she has the opportunity to threaten you with breaking off contact.
She didn't exactly hang herself with laurels, she wasn't a mother, at least not by my standards, and in the current form I would also have no need for an overbearing egeocentric girlfriend.

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Re: Problematic relationship with my mother

answer fromThelmalouise on 03/21/2012, 9:22 am

My way would be to tell her what you wrote here as a letter.
And honestly, just because she is legally (emotionally, she is no longer) your mother, her "offer" to break off contact is very tempting.

It only draws energy according to your words, it does not give you any back.

Write it to her just to be able to draw a line for YOU and get rid of it at the right address.

In my eyes you can only win.

Answer post


answer fromValerieM on 03/21/2012, 10:39 am

Thank you very much for your answers.

I have to add that I have spoken to her several times about the past. Although she admits that her behavior was wrong, she justifies it because, in her opinion, it would not have been reasonable to do without her own home and second car and other amenities that she had through my stepfather. She has set priorities, the same ones she would still set today, I am convinced of that, and I do very poorly in that regard. Another letter and another conversation would not lead to more insight. That's fine with me too.

My current problem is not the incidents of the past, but the demands that it makes today and that remain one-sided. The fundamental question is how much you have to / should / can bend in order to maintain this relationship, however superficial it may be. If a mother breaks off the relationship with her child because she is not invited to coffee and cake every week, even though she has not invited her child since he was forced to move out, not even for her birthday - what advice do you give the child? To give in? Or to also go to this relaxed, non-binding level of fun, to which the mother herself withdrew years ago?

I would have given in before. Today I think that a relationship with such an imbalance of power is so unhealthy that I can no longer use it. And that realization doesn't even hurt.


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Re: addition

answer fromIlse_2000 on 03/21/2012, 10:46 am

Dear Valerie,

You have my greatest respect! In your last post "Supplement" you spoke all the true words that I actually wanted to write to you now.

YOU lead YOUR life, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for your mother, your mother is SELF-RESPONSIBLE for her life.

YOU don't feel good when your mother "demands" this attention from you every week. And now YOU have the right to control your emotional state - and listen to your gut feeling.

Your mother is not doing you any good! You can feel that now, your guilty conscience seems to be almost defeated! Wonderful and keep it up! Just because it's your mom doesn't mean you have to keep playing her games!

You are a grown woman who deserves to indulge in more beautiful things in isolation.

I really admire your longstanding good nature. You stuck back for years. You will not be able to change your mother, another letter or an intensive conversation with her will not be fruitful because she looks at the facts from a completely different point of view (from a selfish point of view).

I think it's right when you set yourself apart! And if your mother breaks off contact, then that's a good thing!

All the very best!

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Re: addition

answer fromThelmalouise on 03/21/2012, 11:40 am

No, you don't have to keep in touch just because this woman took you out.
Obviously it has not contributed much more to your well-being (at least in your conscious time).

For example, I broke off contact with my brother 3 years ago because the argument "after all, it's my brother" was no longer sufficient for his impossible behavior.

Yes, it hurts every now and then not to have made it, but I've felt infinitely free and relaxed ever since.
If he ever works on himself and can prove it, my door is always open (it's my brother * g *, after all), but until that happens I'll take care of myself, and whether brother or not, this person was not good for me as she was.

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Re: addition

answer fromAnbin39 on March 21, 2012, 11:45 a.m.

Do what is best for you. What makes you feel best. You are well on your way. Be selfish. It is she too. There will be no non-binding fun level. To do this, you have to bend too much.

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Re: addition

answer fromExpo2 on 03/21/2012, 11:46 am

Hi Valerie,

So in your experience you see it as pointless to address her about the past and all the emotional injuries, because she doesn't take you for full and downplays everything.

You can pull out all the stops to protect yourself, I would advise you to come to terms with this trauma, what you have suffered in the past, with trauma therapy, there are 2,3 procedures that are very life-saving and have quality of life again without a guilty conscience.

Realize that she still has power over you as she can put you in an emotional bind NOW, that is your current situation.

From the mind you understand that it is poison for you, from the emotions you want to be the little beloved child.

PS Googel times: EMDR and / or Marie-Luise Reddemann

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Re: addition

answer fromBunny67 on 03/21/2012, 12:56 pm


I more or less "broke" with my father many years ago, although nothing as serious as that happened. The background for me was that I got to understand from him again and again that I really don't play a role as a person and as his child and that he only insists on certain behavioral clichés for the sake of form. That was not enough for a father-daughter relationship, and when contact took place, the next broadside was usually waiting around the corner.

Today I think that being an adult also and above all includes freeing yourself from relationships of dependency that are not good for you. Unfortunately, this also includes your own parents.



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Re: addition

answer fromlukili77 on March 21, 2012, 1:36 pm


Somehow that sounds familiar to me.

I completely broke off contact with my mother 18 years ago.

And told me, if I mean something to you, or if you are somehow important, then you will get in touch. MISCELLANEOUS !!!

I have to say, for myself, I'm fine and I don't have a guilty conscience either.
She doesn't know that I have two children, that I am divorced, where I live, what I work.
For me this woman is only the person who carried me out and gave birth to me.

I'm doing great and I don't have to worry about how to deal with my "mother".

I wish that you go the right way for yourself and your family, it is important (I think) that you are doing well ..

Greetings Nicole

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Re: addition

answer fromkleened on March 21, 2012, 1:37 pm

Just because she carries the word mother, she has no right to make your life hell. I think you have enough to do to put your self-esteem in order. Every time you go a step further, your mother comes into your life and tears everything down again.
Get rid of it.

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Re: addition

answer fromNikas on March 21, 2012, 2:33 pm

The separation from the parents begins with the birth. As it goes on, it's a never-ending process.

For that reason alone, I do not believe in these eternally cited eternal indissoluble ties.

And it is precisely at these junctures and because most of the detachment processes do not run properly, the worst skirmishes in life happen that draw you for yourself. This is exactly where we react very emotionally and deeply.

Ultimately, dear starting poster, you should only look at what YOU are doing best, where YOU feel most comfortable. If, in purely theoretical terms, you would feel very good to be the protector of your mother despite all the past, then take care of her. If not, don't do it. Very easily. And yet everything is sooo difficult, of course.

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Re: addition

answer fromEast Frisian mom on 03/21/2012, 3:04 pm

let your mother go and do your thing !!!

Let go just let go

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Re: Problematic relationship with my mother

answer fromFlake of butter on 03/21/2012, 5:03 p.m.

What your mother did was horrible and cruel. I can't imagine how SHE can live with it and I admire you that / if you (really?) Have worked it out.

You owe NOTHING to your mother. If I were you, I would listen to myself and consider what I really want and IF I want something (from this person) at all, for which I obviously never had priority .......

I would answer this question with a resounding NO and then rigorously push the matter through.
If necessary, if the help of the people who are important to me is not enough, with professional help.

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Re: Problematic relationship with my mother

answer fromfiammetta on March 21, 2012, 11:40 pm


Your mother is the classic power vampire who picks out the raisins everywhere, lives his own advantages and walks over corpses in the process. Currently does she like the mother role that you are supposed to offer her. If you are not good, she bucks and pushes herself back into the center.

As a mother, I have a responsibility, especially for the child, from whom I myself have withheld the father, because 50% of the usually closest caregivers are lost. So I have, that says my conscience, to put myself IN FRONT of my child, regardless of how someone else gilds my buttocks. To wallow in prosperity at the expense of one's own child is level.

Now you're right again, now that the oh-so-nice calculation didn't work out. Does she just want to be the center of attention as a mom or also want to benefit financially from you? I can only tell you one thing, what I have learned in my life: people don't change unless they have experienced really bad shock situations and that is not the case here. Your mother let you run up defenseless as a young girl, she also expects understanding (???) and you recognized that yourself: she would let you fall like a hot potato again at some point if it brought her profit.

She blackmailed you emotionally because she realized that you did a lot for her in order to be loved by her and she enjoys that, because she gets something from it, e.g. that she is the focus. Unfortunately, she does not understand that this type of blackmail always backfires. You are no longer obliged to do anything to her due to her own behavior (not morally, unfortunately, legally). In this respect, you are free to make your decision based on your own feelings.

Another wisdom from me: You cannot get rid of such people, they keep coming back because they cannot believe that you are rejected for their behavior. They just don't get it because they completely misjudge their own meaning.



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Many Thanks!

answer fromValerieM on 03/23/2012, 9:59 am

First of all, a big thank you to all of you for your answers. To be honest: you wrote what I secretly wanted to hear or read and that is very good for me. It dampens the guilty conscience that I have a latent feeling and strengthens my decision not to allow myself to be emotionally blackmailed anymore.

I will no longer sacrifice myself for my mother. Either she accepts that I no longer feel responsible for her, or she really breaks off contact. That’s your decision, which I accept.

So once again THANK YOU!



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Re: Thank you very much!

answer fromIlse_2000 on 03/23/2012, 10:07 am

Wishing you all the best!

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