Should I start smoking weed?

Smoking weed for 10 years - stop and start again.

Have you ever wondered what it is like to just quit smoking pot after 10 years? From one day to another. No? Yes, of course you have!
And did you ALSO ask yourself what it's like to be clean after a year, to smoke a joint again for the first time? No? CLEAR you have it! I think every stoner does that.

I did it.

Really.

I didn't smoke weed for a year and then, on one evening, on September 28th, 2017, I smoked half a joint. And it was, kind of normal. But more on that later.

I want to tell you briefly when, how and where I started smoking weed.

I think I was 16 when I first smoked weed. With my first friend and his buddies, I smoked my first joint in Berlin. And it was great. That was the time when there was still Eis Henning in Halensee. I have never eaten more “white chocolate” ice cream than this summer. It was so funny. The ice cream boy already knew exactly what we wanted when we stumbled into the branch again very tightly. A wonderful summer. It was really a wonderful time. Smoking weed made you easy and carefree and just plain happy. The older I got, the heavier the consumption became. I lived in Essen and Holland was right next door. I would like to think that the starting point is good. My buddy Andi brought me the best shit to school every day and "school" actually only consisted of chilling, smoking pot and listening to music. Covered sandwich & cocoa. I even smoked pot with my music teacher once, that was funny. He was such an old rocker and always came to class with his Mustang and leather jacket. Well, I digress.

When I went to Berlin in 2009, it got completely out of hand.

At first I had difficulties because I somehow lacked a good connection. After countless attempts to clear good grass in the Hasenheide or Görli (outside of Berlin also known as Görlitzer Park), I decided to finally get a sensible connection again. In Neukölln it wasn't that difficult and I quickly had the best suppliers on the job. And I smoked pot every day. A 10 a day quickly turned into more and all the people I met were smoking weed too. Great start in Berlin. I liked that as well.

The years passed and somehow everything became so normal. Smoking weed was part of everyday life and was actually always and everywhere present. At home, at parties, while chilling out. I smoked pot anytime, anywhere. Weed helped me to get a grip on my excess emotions and my excessive empathy and in the long run I somehow didn't care about all people. Anyway, it hits pretty well.

I am someone who feels very, very much and often suffers from it. So weed was the perfect “drug” to fix this flaw in my brain. Many stoners say that grass doesn't change them. Zero. But I think that as a reflected person you have to understand that every substance that you artificially add to your body changes you somehow. It's like sugar. You don't really notice it, but there it is. And weed, weed, Mary, call it what you like, it just inhibits you. Some make it slow and sluggish, others dreamy and frugal. It just made me numb. I felt passed out and cool. I became more and more this shell of myself that I never wanted to be. I somehow didn't feel anything anymore. I wanted to chill out less and less with others.

I've always enjoyed chilling and smoking weed alone, it's kind of a peaceful state. I always have to think of Sido, who at one point said in an interview that he had a Jesus tattooed because of that, so that he doesn't buff like a junkie, but always has someone with him. Haha. Horny guy this Paul. I celebrate.

More and more often I had situations that I didn't want to ride the subway after buffing, couldn't smoke pot at parties and got something like small panic attacks. Somehow the emotions came back 5 times more when I was smoking weed than when I was sober. Somehow exciting to see how your own reaction changed so much over 10 years, suddenly you were no longer suitable for everyday use, could no longer drive a car. For most of them, the tolerance tends to get higher and higher. With me it sank. Drastically.

When I got fed up with this pressure at some point in 2016 and saw how my ex-boyfriend behaved when he had buffed too much for a while, I decided to quit.

From one day to another. I just stopped smoking.

Finished. Topic finished. But it's not that simple after all.

I could tell you a lot now, about withdrawal symptoms or whatever, I didn't have them. I slept restlessly for the first two weeks, but I did that even before I started smoking weed every day. So it wasn't unusual either. I dreamed violently and often woke up in the morning exhausted and felt mushy. I had to get used to that again.
When doing sports I noticed that my sweat smelled like grass, but somehow I found that cool. The bad mood stayed away and I was getting better every day.

I often wondered whether I had a mild psychosis or just couldn't smoke weed anymore. To this day I don't know exactly what was going on and whether I will ever be able to smoke the same way as before. But I was also firmly convinced that from now on I will no longer be a stoner.

Is that even possible? The other day I was sitting with a guy who said to me, "Yes, why should you do that too, just stop, once a stoner, always a stoner." - Is that so?
In the last few weeks I noticed how the cravings became more intense every day and I felt a little urge to pull on it again at the sight of a thick joint. It's kind of like ... oh no matter.
At the same time there was also this fear of feeling the way I did when I decided to quit. This discomfort really felt like a bad trip at times. I felt trapped and often had the feeling that I could no longer breathe. I didn't want that anymore, but I also didn't want to forego being relaxed and unemotional. Somehow that makes my life easier for me. If you can never switch off, a good GrasTurn can act like a filter. A fluffy, soft, pleasant filter that makes you forget for a moment how terrible this world around us is often.

I was chatting with a good friend over a Korean lunch about micro THC, a new trend to smoke your joints with very, very little weed.

So, like everyone over 50 I know. Haha. Really, they all smoke like they did in the 80s. They often don't get along with the sophisticated stuff that we kids put into our pears. Well Get more pleasure again. Fuck. To do something? First nothing. Had grass, but no papers and no charcoal filters at home.

Idea discarded again. Maybe it was better that way.

But when one of my best friends hung out with me and smoked 2 or 3 bags for a few hours, it was no longer possible. "Will you leave me something of it ..." I said and looked at her plaintively. “Hey, you don't want to buff anymore? She replied, half horrified, half amused. I think all of my buffer friends want me to smoke pot again. It's also funnier. Although it actually doesn't change anything.

No sooner said than done, she left me half a joint in the ashtray, which I eyed critically after she left.

I know how the good builds and I tell you, for girls, let's do some really good mixing. Not for beginners. What the hell. I wanted to know. Zack thing in the mouth, lit, pulled hard once. The grass tasted wonderful. That familiar smell, which I hadn't tasted in a long time, felt like home. Delicious. Really. Weed tastes great. Pulled two more times and then put the joint down again. I was really scared to exaggerate and feel like shit again. But nothing happened.

I went to the bathroom to remove my make-up. My friend on the phone, who was sitting in the subway, yelled into the phone so badly that I quickly came up with an excuse to hang up. Was not clear at all. Suddenly I was so sensitive to noise again and had a slight "everything is spinning feeling", but everything was still pleasant.

I got ready for bed and picked out a movie on Netflix. Something to do with teenage girls. Cool pictures, great story. Right now.
I lay down in bed and noticed how I was slowly but surely getting really tense. Everything was uncomfortable. I felt like a dog that turned in circles 5 times on its pillow and then ended up in the same place as always. When I finally found a position that was comfortable, I got the feeling that I could no longer breathe. So get up, open the window. Better. It was a good decision, fresh air is important and water helped to keep your mouth dry. I relaxed in bed, took another puff on the joint, and turned on the movie. At some point I fell asleep.

Being in bed before 11 p.m. is really a rarity for me.

I usually go to sleep around 1:30 and get up at 8. Not so healthy, I know. But this time it was different. I fell asleep at some point and didn't really wake up until after the third alarm clock went off, sometime after nine o'clock. 10 hours of sleep, unbelievable. I felt more relaxed than I had in a long time and was in a good mood, which is a rarity at the moment. Immediately I caught myself thinking that it would be good to smoke weed again tonight and of course the messages from my wild friends who asked when we would finally smoke weed together didn't stay away. Guys, get on with it 😀

I'm still not sure I'll start again. But I will continue to monitor the situation. It was really not a super blatant experience, as many might have been waiting for now, but I am pleasantly surprised that I felt so good after all. Maybe the break was a good way to find myself, to get a healthy view of my consumption again and to be able to buff normally again at some point.

Cover photo:Janina Wagner